Call Me The Veep of Creep
I'm glad I have a boyfriend.
Before you run away and barf, please note that I'm not being all sappy and corny about it, don't worry. What I mean is I am so happy I have a boyfriend because I have become a fucking creep and it's best that I am off the market for the good of mankind.
Honestly I think having a boyfriend for the past five years it was MADE me a creep. I feel like I can say what I want with no repercussions. When I was single I at least checked myself a little bit. But now? I freely basically and usually inadvertantly hit on guys because I know they know I am not serious because everyone knows I am with and love Adam so who cares? And Adam knows I'm not serious so.....? But I am also pretty sure I have always been kind of a creep. And also I have absolutely no game. Even a girl in a relationship should still try and have some kind of game, so pity for that. All of which is to say that I'm pretty sure if I were a dude, I would be a dirty old man.
This story is nothing without examples.
Last week a coworker turned to me and was all "Are you going to go nuts decorating this place for Valentine's Day?"
"Of course" I replied
"Well can you make me a sign that says "Single Dude, In Need of a Valentine" to hang outside my office?"
"How about I make you a sign that says "The Champagne Room"
"..........." he said.
"You know", I continued, "like at a strip club?"
"Oh....ok" he said.
CREEP!!!! I have no idea why I even said that. I turned away and repeated a mantra I have become all to familiar with "In 5 minutes, I won't feel like a tool. In five minutes, I won't feel like a tool" and sure enough within 5 minutes I was like "Whatever that was totally funny".
And then there was the time when I came up to my friend Henry and was all "Hey did you see the new guy? Tres cute" and Henry turned around only it wasn't Henry at all, it was the cute new guy who looks just like Henry from behind. CREEP!
And then there is this past weekend where I kept telling my new friend Kenny that I was going to put roofies in his drink. REPEATEDLY. ALL NIGHT LONG. One inference to date rape is OK....ten or twelve over the course of a night is just bad taste. CREEP.
"Of course" I replied
"Well can you make me a sign that says "Single Dude, In Need of a Valentine" to hang outside my office?"
"How about I make you a sign that says "The Champagne Room"
"..........." he said.
"You know", I continued, "like at a strip club?"
"Oh....ok" he said.
CREEP!!!! I have no idea why I even said that. I turned away and repeated a mantra I have become all to familiar with "In 5 minutes, I won't feel like a tool. In five minutes, I won't feel like a tool" and sure enough within 5 minutes I was like "Whatever that was totally funny".
And then there was the time when I came up to my friend Henry and was all "Hey did you see the new guy? Tres cute" and Henry turned around only it wasn't Henry at all, it was the cute new guy who looks just like Henry from behind. CREEP!
And then there is this past weekend where I kept telling my new friend Kenny that I was going to put roofies in his drink. REPEATEDLY. ALL NIGHT LONG. One inference to date rape is OK....ten or twelve over the course of a night is just bad taste. CREEP.
And there is also the fact that I much prefer the show starring this guy:
Over the show starring this guy:
I won't even mention that there is a bartender at a local bar whom Jenny and I call blatantly to his face "Hot Arms".
Even though the song is technically not about "A creep" and more about "creeping" I will still end on that note because hey, its a good song.
I won't even mention that there is a bartender at a local bar whom Jenny and I call blatantly to his face "Hot Arms".
Even though the song is technically not about "A creep" and more about "creeping" I will still end on that note because hey, its a good song.
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9 comments:
I make the rufies joke all the time, and do/say similarly creepy things. And now I think maybe THIS IS WHY IM SINGLE.
HAHA.
PS, "Hot Arms" is his official name now. Like people in the restaurant refer to him as that. WE WIN.
Can you imagine when those ladies get in the sack with Brett, and he takes off his fake hair? I'm sure he has styrofoam heads in his bedroom, on which to keep his fake blonde locks and bandanas. Hot.
LOL. I find that I've become more vocally inappropriate as I age. I recently told my 50-something year male old coworker from India that I had the hots for the gorgreous Swedish doctor on our floor. Now my coworker Ajit is constantly making jokes like "How is the collaboration with Sweden going?" and I am sooo going to get busted. Seriously, though. you should SEE him. Drool-inducing.
ps Rock of Love rulz.
Haha Eileen it's okay if you feel the need. the need for a swede. HA!
We should add Bret's autobiography to our book club list as it is sure to go down as a great work of literature.
OMG! The Brett Michael's autobiography should definitely come after the Great Gatsby. What? They're both self-made American successes (depends on your definition of success...but still). ;-)
Bret Michaels. I think that was the "keyword" for me to go and barf.
WTF is wrong with this guy?
Bret's autobiography will surely be a modern classic. Let's do it!
ps Trent from Pink is the New Blog is photoshopping Aretha's hat all over celebs. Check the archives here
Definitely make an age thing. Older and bolder. That is what I tell myself to cover up the inappropriate things I say. Plus I aspire to be one of those crazy fun old ladies.
I don't even know what to say, I'm just laughing pretty hard!
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