Brave New Bathroom*

*Those with delicate sensibilities may want to move on.

There are certain philosphical questions that we all would like to have answered:

If a tree falls in a forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?

If an old lady takes a dump on the floor of a public restroom and there is no one there to see it, is it still disgusting?

I am here today to address the latter of the two.

My company is moving in a few weeks to a new location and while we are all thrilled to have our own building and no longer be in an office park situation, the women of the office are particularly overjoyed because our company will have, get this, our OWN BATHROOMS! Our very own!! Not to be shared with a ladies gym and a health clinic as we do now.

In my few years at this location, I have learned much in regards to women's bathroom etiquette. Succinctly, women are filthy pigs. Used tampons on the floor, feces on the wall, all four toilets clogged with god knows what, rivers of pee on the seat, vomit in the sink... an unfortunate incident in which someone using a cane crapped on the floor and then managed to rub her cane in it as evident by the cane poo-tracks leading out of the door (and not towards the sink so you know no hand washing went on (yes I am a bathroom sleuth, what of it?)). It is a weekly occurance for an email to go out to the women in my office, from a benevolent coworker saying "ATTENTION LADIES! AVOID STALLS 1 AND 3!". And it's not like they mean "Avoid this stall, it is kind of messy" it's more like "Being anywhere near this stall will give you E. Coli.".


I'm not saying this happens every day. But someone crapping on the floor once is someone crapping on the floor one too many times. Oui?



And it definitely didn't happen only once!


Of course we have complained to the property managers repeatedly, and in their defense they have a cleaning crew in there about ever three to four hours but it just doesn't do much to help. I don't know if it is the gym ladies, or the people from the health care but it is a disgrace. If there was any ever any question as to why gay men exist? It's because women are fucking foul. I go into that bathroom and I never wished harder I had a penis and could use a urinal.

And the men I work with are all "Why are you so excited for your own bathroom? Who cares?". Man, I wish them one week of using our bathroom. They would not last a day. Because men don't dilly dally in the bathroom long enough to mess it up. And most men I know don't hover so crapping on the floor is basically impossible barring some enourmous invlountary muscle spasm. And would you like to imagine what any man you know would do if they saw a random bloody tampon on the floor? So they have no idea what we have been dealing with on a daily basis. And I am confident they could not handle it.

So yes, maybe we are a little overexcited to have our own bathroom. And maybe we did plan a disco party to be thrown in our new bathroom (complete with glittering disco ball and Gloria Gaynor soundtrack, no I am not kidding) . And maybe I can't answer the question posed to you all in the beginning of this post.


But in a few weeks this bathroom nightmare will seem like it was a disgusting, craptastic dream.



Sigh.