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Wednesday, May 03, 2006

As a commuter-by-car, I am subject to people's dubious tastes in bumper stickers for at least 80 minutes every day (on a good day, over two hours on a not so good one). I think it is time for me, as a concerned citizen, to issue some advice on the matter

1) Please do not get bumper stickers that tell other people what to do. Even a sentiment as banal as "Be Kind" is rage evoking if you are stuck behind a 1989 Tercel going 40 MPH in the fast lane.

2) It's time to get over things. I know we had high hopes and those hopes were miserably dashed, and believe me I am still mourning the loss. But still, it's been 2 years. Time to remove the Kerry/Edwards stickers.

3)I understand that you have a lot to say and not a lot of time to say it. But save all that text and enerygy for your diary/the public service announcement you hope to make some day. No one is interested in learning about 10 ways to stop "Runway Incursions" on a rainy Wednesday morning. And no one ever will since it is written in size 2 font. Believe me.

4) Now, this is not so much a bumper sticker but still egregious in it's implications: Faux Testicles hanging off the back of pick up trucks. You think I am kidding? Click on that link. Since I moved to Quincy I have seen THREE different trucks with this kind of appendage on it and if you ask me that is three too many. Most people don't even appreciate the real thing, much less plastic renditions jiggling off the back of a trailer hitch. So Horrible. I can't even fathom who the people are who have these things, but apparently they are my neighbors. Maybe I should get some faux breasts for my front fender? How would that kind of thing go over?

5) And this has nothing to do with bumper stickers either but who are these people driving around in dark, thick foggy rain with no headlights on? Do they get in the car in the morning and just not think about it? Or do they make a conscious decision "Today, I want my car to be an invisible death machine".

That's all for now. Who knew I could be so didactic before my morning coffee?

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

How about the window stickers with the little cartoon man peeing on the names of competitor truck companies? Nothing says "I've got class" like a stream of urine on your back window.

Zippy said...

Amusingly, I just saw a pickup with a singing fish as a hitch cover. Complete with swishing tail and glowing lights that activated with the brake lights.

*shudder*

Sarah said...

i think we can all concur that usually, pick up trucks* are the worst offenders as far as weird decorations/bumper stickers go. I saw a "Charlton Heston is my President" on my way to work this morning. Need I say more?

(*I do know some normal people who have normal pick up trucks, but definitely not enough)

The Running Pretence said...

Sarah,

I live in Quincy to. There is a guy who lives in my condo complex with a new blue pickup with rubber balls hanging off it. It is all I can do when I am out walking my dog to not have her use them as a chew toy. Who knows "tits" on a toyota may become the next big thing in phallic car accessories.

Nicky said...

Perhaps the rubber breasts should be placed in front of the car? It would bring a new literal meaning to the term "headlights".

MarisaJosephine said...

the men that have to hang fake balls on their trucks must not have real ones in their pants

so sad that they ruin the beauty of their pickups that way
also
i hate the cartoon of that calvin cartoon peeing. it makes no sense

oh well
pickup drivers make no sense either

i say snip a half off of the ball thing and scare the crap out of that ball hanging offender...hee hee
marisa

AmyD said...

Um, I'm kind of guilty, although it wasn't on my car. As I read the part about finally getting over the Kerry/Edwards loss, I looked up to see a bumper sticker still taped to my overhead bin in my office. I immediately took it down, but I couldn't bring myself to throw it away. Dammit... Thanks for bringing me back to reality. ;o)

Oh, the other day, I saw a truck with a sticker on the back window that said, "Git er' done!" and both my boyfriend and I looked at each other and said, "WHITE TRASH!!!!" Huh, wouldn't you know, as we passed the truck, sure enough, Trashy McTrasherson was driving with the window down, smoking a ciggie.

And yes, I'm aware I'm an asshole. But at least I don't have any "Cowgirl's Do it Better" stickers on my car. Sheesh...

Sarah said...

Amy don't feel bad. I still have my "Democrats in '02/No Mitt!" pin. FYI: Mitt Romney has been governor for 4 years now...

Nicky (yes, again) said...

My Dad pulled my Kerry/Edwards sticker off my back window about a year ago. Guess he couldn't figure out why I hadn't done it already. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wonder what ever happened to my "Putting the 'con' back in 'conservative'" sticker?

ugagirl16 said...

HILARIOUS....my favorite is people that drive around with breast cancer magnets on their car and are smoking as they drive...WTF??? Slap a lung cancer magnet on there while you are at it, retard....I mean, who cares if you smoke...but you just support breast cancer and who cares if you get lung cancer?? UGH....gets on my nerves. A car is to drive not to use as a billboard....

stephanie said...

Okay, how 'bout ones we like?

My best friend has a very simple round sticker (like the airport ones) with a capital letter W inside, with a slash through it.

And, personally, I will never, ever tire of seeing cars with a Darwin Fish with feet.

Hee.

Lindsay said...

Oh my. Try living in the midwest! The testicles are a freakin HIT around here. And every pro-Bush, pro-guns, anti-gay bumper sticker is HUGE around here.

I get so pissed off when I drive.

:)

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