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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

My mother's favorite story to tell about me, as a means to embarrass me, is the story of my Kyklopes eye (which many of you may already know). When I was in college, I mysteriously developed a blocked gland on my left eyelid which caused said eyelid to swell until the point that I could not open that eye and thus was rendered a Kyklopes for three days.



And for those three days I did not go to school, even though I felt fine and had no affliction other than a bedeviled eye. But that was affliction enough for me, believe me. And when I did go to school on the fourth day, since my eyelid had at least depuffed enough for me to be able to open it, I wore my PJs and sunglasses to school in an effort to both proclaim and hide my hideous state. Sort of like, if my face ain't right..NONE of me can be right today".


To my mother, this display was hilarious and I was forever deemed "Vain" in her eyes. And I don't mean to say she thinks ill of me because of it. Rather it is more of a "where did you COME from?" type incredulity since she neither wears any makeup, nor dyes her hair, nor wears heels, nor ever does her nails (But do not get me wrong, the woman is FLY, she has the au natural Mediterranean woman who wears chunky necklaces and owns 1000 silk scarves thang going on).


What my mother cannot appreciate, however, is the duality of vanity.


Really, what we are talking about here is SELFLESS vanity:


I went out for the first time in over a week on Saturday night, and although it was just to a local comedy show/fund raiser, I set about getting ready well over an hour before the event. The most important task for me was de-rouging my nose/upper lip area.


Now, I am not proud insomuch as I will admit that after blowing my nose all day on Friday on the cardboard that my office calls "facial tissue" i had a the kind of nose that could have been used as a beacon in the fog, complete with sore-like patches on my upper lip. (and now, i will NOT be providing photos of this bit of lovliness)



Ok, if you insist.


Jealous?

And even though I still wasn't feeling 100% like myself, I took it upon myself to spend 10 minutes on nasal makeup application, ans I was proud to report that there is nary a lesion in site. Not even a hint of red. And you know, I would be proud. But when one realizes that one is applying foundation with a q-tip to one's nostril, one gives up any reason to be truly proud, no matter how good the application.


So you know my vanity is not selfish...I TRULY do this for others. Why should other people, enjoying a night out, sipping a cocktail, have to look at my puffy red nose all night? Why put them through the agony of having to wonder how sick I have been. Because of course they would, and feel so bad for me that they would then feel compelled to buy me drinks all night and I mean that would just be WRONG.


Right?


So, I consider vanity to be one of the more selfless traits that one can posess.

6 comments:

Mr. & Mrs. Cappella said...

blowing my nose all day on Friday on the cardboard that my office calls "facial tissue"

Poor thing!! When I'm sick it's Puffs Plus or intense pain, leading to severe chapping. I am sorry you had to go through that!! :-(

~J

Lindsay said...

Wow. I mean, you are just so selfless. I had a similar situation. I was at the airport to pick up my dear mother from her jaunt to California, and I sat down on the concrete part of a fountain. I relaxed a little too much, and got a giant wet spot on my fabulous light gray sweatpants. As we were walking to the baggage terminal, I saw a family pointing, laughing, DISCUSSING my wet spot. I ran to a bathroom and waited. I mean, why should these weary travelers who just suffered wind delays in denver have to waste their energy talking about my ass? It just isn't right. Just isn't right.

The world needs more people like us. I commend you.

Lindsay said...

and wait? you can only wear pajamas to class if you have an eye problem?

oh shit. i don't think i can finish out the semester.

Andy said...

One Eye. One Knife. And Tuna.

What was that expression? I'm sure "Oops. Ow. Stop." were also included.

Kyklopes 4-eva!

Sarah said...

that is jenny and chris's take on my nearly impaling my eyeball on a steak knife. a seperate incident from the one mentioned above, but equally kyklopes-inducing!

Andy said...

Your early 20's were riddled with incidences of Kyklopes! That and trips to Providence. Love you,