Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Sarah's Emporium of Undatable Dudes

I have always been somewhat of a failed Emma.

I have been trying to set people up on dates ever since 9th grade. It is probably just another aspect of my control freak personality manifesting itself but in my mind I just want my friends to be HAPPY and if their happiness involves dating someone then YES LETS GET THAT DONE.

However it has never quite worked out for me for two reasons
1) I suck at it
2) I have so many gay male friends that when I make a straight male friend I think I tend to hold them to a lower standard. And my girlfriends are fantastic people and deserve OTHER fantastic people.

Really, my dream is to have a stable of fun, nice, somewhat normal straight dudes and when one of my girlfriends is like "I would like to go on a date" and can be like "ok here fill out this form and let's get it started". That should work, right? Why not?

I got away with being so bad at it in high school because we were all dating gay men pretty much, so if it ended no one was really hurt and were still best friends. Easy peasy.

Every set up I have attempted since then though has ended dismally. Either the first date ends in joint phone calls made to me after and a "What the hell were you thinking" or maybe it goes on for a month or two before bursting into flames or ending in a restraining order.

Really I need to stop. But I can't! It's a compulsion. I want to set you up on a date with the worst guy for you ever.

So if you are a single woman in need of a date, stay far far away from me unless you want to be set up with any of the following:

1) Arrogant asshole
2) Felon
3) Deadbeat
4) Guy Who Can't Stop Sleeping with Strippers

Because that's all I got! (Can I blame the economy?)

But if you happen to be a straight, single, fun, NICE guy and want to help me turn my stable around, email me.


Jeannie said...

hahahahaheeheehohohahaha! This made me laugh so much! I'll thank my luck stars that the worst I ever go of it was an attempt at Ryan Lamb, and not a felon.

Sarah said...

Hahaha oh god I forgot about that. Didnt his uncle have to drive us home after the failed attempt? Awesome!

Jenny said...

Well if by chance a normal, straight, stable guy emails you and passes your screening process, let me know.


In other news, I'm thinking of starting a new business that I think you'd be fab at as well. It's going to be called "Gay Best Friend". I've got a lot of gays, girls like gays, you seem to be good at setting up nice girls with lovely gays ... bing bam boom. MONEY MAKER.

Caity said...

This totally made me laugh.

And really what I got out of all that (besides the laughter) was that you just want your friends to be happy ... and that's always an awesome thing.

I sort of wish he was gay! Then we could just laugh over it at a Broadway musical or something. ;)

Anonymous said...

I love the title on this post!

Next time my life gets boring (hahahahaha) I'll hit you up for someone to date, just so I'll have another story to tell. ;-)

cleon dann said...

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cleon dann