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Friday, January 25, 2008

In which I say "Ass" A Lot.

I have no ass.

Seriously. none. And I am not ashamed to tell you that. We're all friends here. And when I was just a twinkle in my dad's eye I was a flat assed twinkle because on both my mom's side and most of my dad's side there is not really a big, or even NORMAL sized butt to be seen.

We are a tall people. We are a proud people.

We are a people whose legs and backs meet without much fanfare.


Some call it white girl ass (although I know plenty of white girls who put that term to shame). Some may call it Sir Mix A Lot's Nightmare. Some call it pancake ass.

I call it my ass. What my momma gave me doesn't shake.

So I ask you this.

How come, whenever I lose any weight, I lose it from that particular section FIRST. The only body part that frankly needs whatever fat it has.

WHY!?

The other day we were out shoppning and Adam remarked that I looked like I had lost some weight and I was all "YAY!" and then he went on

"Your jeans are kind of sagging in the back".

Damnit!

Now if you'll excuse me I have some important shopping to do today.




17 comments:

Ladybug's Picnic said...

I am willing to share. No matter how much weight I lose - ever - I never, ever, ever lose it from my ass. Also, cruelly, the first place I gain weight is - you guessed it - in my ass.

GHETTO BOOTAY.

Honeydew Studio said...

I feel ya. I too have zero ass. None. (Most of my pants also sag in the back.) My sorrow is compounded by the fact that my teeny sister is working a perfect J-Lo butt...the likes of which have never been seen on a white chick. She hates it. I am mega jealous.

Sarah said...

Nicky, I am jeaous of Kate's ass too!!

Just A Girl said...

the butt pads are seriously cracking me up..I always thought that was an urban legend...

Anonymous said...

hahahaha! First of all, that faux booty makes me feel uncomfortable. Secondly, CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!
Love,
Hugh Jass Cappella

Honeydew Studio said...

Where would one find a pair of butt-pads...just out of curiosity? LOL.

AmyD said...

Tee hee! They actually make those?! I must admit I have all the ass I could ever need, but the boobs? I could stand to have a little more in that area. Which is exactly what THAT'S the first thing *I* lose when I lose weight. It's bullshit, I tell ya! ;o)

e$ said...

OMG i totally wanted to get one of those for my wedding! I have a moderate ass, but after alterations, it definitely looked of the pancake variety.

I settled for a crinoline.

San said...

OMG! I didn't know that something like this exists! But why not... other girl put tissue in their bras! ;)

Ashley said...

did you really buy that?

I'm not judging.. I might if I needed some ass. :)

Kerry said...

padded bras for ladies with flat chests and padded panties for ladies with flat butts - you gotta love America.

AnnaB said...

I hear you! My mom told me that I have the Pitt's ass. How sad to be from a family noted for the lack of buttage? My boobs are the first place where I lose weight.

tulipmom said...

This post cracked me up!

Thankfully my boobs are the first place where I lose weight ... and good riddance it is as I've got plenty up there to spare! Sadly they are also the first place I gain weight .... by the time I reach 9 months they may weigh more than the baby :)

Jenn said...

Too funny! I guess we are never happy with what we have. I'm one of the white girls who puts the "white girl butt theory" to shame and I wish that I didn't have as much back there!! Oh well, we should flaunt it regardless!! :)

Caitlin said...

Ooooooh girl!
I have it too.
In my family, we call it The Wall Ass.
Cuz it's wide and flat like...you guessed it.

hope505 said...

...for a white girl...I have the roundest, bouncin'-est, big "black" bubble-booty everrr. *hahaha!*
Seriously.
I have never been on a stairmaster....if I did anything to further "lift and firm" my buttocks I could use my @ss as...I dunno...I would say 'bookshelf' but it's just too round. *hahaha!* Here I'll trade ya some...
* ; )

Kenya Says said...

Oh my gosh-that is hilarious. Let me say I too have a problem with my ass. It's not completely FLAT but it's not shaped right. It looks funny to me like it's upside down or something. It's big at the top and flat toward the bottom. LOL I actually did a post on my you tube channel about this very thing. It's tough for me in my community cause I'm black... :o) Oh well... just have to accept it. I got out of line too soon and didn't complete my download when the Lord was passing out bootys. lol